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Beyond Why

Why “Why” Can Be Problematic

Why does the word “why” often lead to feelings of shame? Phrases like, “Why did you do this?”, “Why isn’t this done?”, or “Why can’t you just do it?” can make children question their abilities and self-worth, immediately creating defensiveness. Imagine a student coming home from school, overwhelmed by their day, only to be met with, “Why haven’t you finished your homework?” In that moment, the focus shifts away from problem-solving and instead places a spotlight on failure. It’s isolating, frustrating, and doesn’t open the door for meaningful dialogue.

Creating a Space for Curiosity

In executive function coaching, one of the things I do is avoid asking “why” questions. They tend to narrow the conversation, often leading children and adolescents to dwell on what went wrong instead of exploring how they can move forward. Instead of inviting shame or frustration, I want to create a space for curiosity, exploration, and problem-solving. My goal is to help students see challenges as opportunities for growth rather than failures.

Shifting the Focus: Open-Ended Questions

A much more effective approach is to ask open-ended questions that encourage reflection. One of my go-to questions, whether I’m working with students or even my own children, is, “What’s the barrier preventing you from [fill in the blank]?” This question is simple, yet powerful—it shifts the focus away from blame and invites the child to think about what’s truly holding them back. It creates an environment where they can explore their challenges without feeling judged or overwhelmed.

Guiding Questions for Reflection

To further guide them through this process, I often ask a series of follow-up questions that encourage deeper investigation into their thoughts and feelings:

  • What are your thoughts on how to manage this situation?
  • What have you tried so far?
  • How can you adjust your approach?
  • Where do you go from here?
  • What concerns you the most?
  • What is important to you about this goal?
  • What would help you get unstuck at this moment?

These questions not only promote deeper thinking but also help students take ownership of the problem-solving process. By giving them the opportunity to reflect on their approach, they begin to see that they have the tools to navigate their challenges. This shift in mindset is crucial—it fosters resilience, self-efficacy, and a greater sense of autonomy.

Mindful Language: The Parent’s Role

Shifting your language can be challenging for parents, but it’s a necessary evolution. It requires mindfulness and intention when connecting with your child. The word “why” may slip out, especially in heated moments. When you catch yourself saying it, take a moment to pause and acknowledge it. You might say, “I want to replace ‘why’ with something more constructive.” Then, rephrase your question, such as, “What I meant to ask is [fill in the blank].” Remember, we are all human, just like our children, and it’s perfectly okay to make mistakes. The key is to keep trying; with practice, using positive, open-ended questions will eventually become a solid habit. *A great place to start with shifting your perspective on language is Adele Faber’s book “How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk”*.

Takeaway: Empowering Your Child

When we focus on helping students identify their own barriers and guiding them toward solutions, we empower them to take control of their learning journey. The aim is not to simply fix the problem for them but to help them build the confidence and skills to face challenges head-on, now and in the future.

*As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Erin Upchurchblob 1

Erin Upchurch

As a professional executive function coach, I prioritize maintaining a positive outlook, building strong relationships with my students, and providing unwavering support to parents.